Not safe for work, Christians or those easily offended by people with rational though processes. Thank you!-- Gavlæ Reudo Maxric, Copy Editor.
If I was the young daughter of a preacher who believed in every thing that corporate tool in the White House said and was hip waders deep in white supremacy thinking I would surely run to the nearest Greyhound Bus Station plop down my credit card and head one way to the nearest blue state where I would beg any set of liberal parents to save me from a life of embarrassment and shame. Allow me to not be vague for once in my journalistic career, my boss called me into his office ten minutes ago after reading Doug Giles post at Townhall via the link at the utopia that is Shakesville. He asked me if I had seen it and I said yes and then he leaned that big blue head forward and said the magic words, Gloves off mate, slap the grin fresh off his Chevy Chase!" Well really, Cav said, "I don't care how you do it but rebut this idiot in the strongest terms I can allow." Now here's the part where I can Doug Giles an arrogant misogynist and a redneck cocksucker and seeing Cav nod I'm off to my desk like this preacher's daughters prom dress will assuredly be the first chance she gets. Unless this guy snips her spinal cord himself this girl will be doing the whole Liberty University football team during freshman orientation.
Okay I get to attack this just like the wise and talented Jeff Fecke did at Shakesville. Yeah sloppy seconds I know but this will be fun I promise.
1. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy. Young squire, don’t expect me to be giggly when I meet you. As a matter of fact, you’re ruining my life right now. Therefore, don’t try to be cute with me. That stuff may work on my daughter or my wife, but it does not work with me.
What this guy would rather have his daughter bring a woman home. Look pal you can't have it both ways but I sure could enjoy watching. This is just creepy and begs a question. hey rev are you fucking your own daughters?
2. Thou had better have a life. My wife and I have worked our tails off providing a good life for our girls; therefore, you better have one, Spanky. Let me spell it out for you just in case you don’t get it. You must have something positive going on in that thing you call a life.
Who the Hell you calling Spanky?
So you are setting up your little privileged whores to only respond to those who dangle shiny objects and coins in front of them. Boy those are good values for our little porno princesses isn't it?
3.Thou shall not touch my daughter, or I’ll tear your hands off and you’ll have to “whip the bishop” with a stub. Not only am I not cool with your being around me, I’m sure as heck not down with your touching my daughter. Therefore, when you’re in my space (and in my absence) you’d better treat my daughters with the utmost respect.
I think the Ayatollah Khomeini would have been less ruthless in his imagery than that stump whip the bishop reference. Who proof reads this guys column Ted Haggard?
4.Thou shall look me in the eye, shake my hand like a man and turn off your cell phone. I don’t care how Snoop Dog acts and what you’ve seen on MTV or in the movies. If you come into my house mumbling, with your shades on and texting the entire time you’re around me, you’re probably going to be spending the next couple of days in ICU.
Wow that's rich threats of violence from a white preacher whom my dead lesbian best friend could beat mercilessly to a pulp in two rounds in the ring. The only that will be in ICU will be your daughter after her second boyfriend runs off and she hops in the tub and slices both wrists. Then of course you'll have another litany of "overcoming adversity" sermons to shove down the throats of the sheeple.
5.Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Here’s some 411 to meditate upon before you address me. I am at least twice your age. I used to be a drug user/dealer until God zapped me. I’ve been in many fights. I’ve shot at felons. I faced down too-many-to-count charging wild boar. I’ve spent years in Tae Kwon Do. I’ve traveled the planet, planted churches and started businesses. You, on the other hand, use Proactiv and drive a Ford Focus; therefore, you will call me “Mr. Giles” and my wife “Mrs. Giles” until we tell you any different.
Okay that clears up alot he's one of those street wise gift of gab crackers that has pulled himself up with religion. hey pal fuck you! Your daughters are a product of a man lucky enough to turn a parlor trick or two and some speaking skills into a career because people are afraid of Death, the second most natural act that occurs during human life. Your daughters will be doing the number one soon enough, See the Liberty University football team. The again the Crimson Tide do have a new coach.
6. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippy, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree humping bull crap. I was raised by country-loving, God-fearing, hard-working, meat-eating, good ole’ Texan parents, and I have zero tolerance for what your long-toothed, rather mannish lesbian sociology teacher at Columbia U programmed you with—you dig?
No I don't dig you troglodyte. Okay go look it up. Fine. Those mannish lesbian sociology teachers are teach half of your race the skills they need so that you can serve your future Hispanic masters better. So stop hatin'!
7.Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts and you shall provide unto me this bounty, if you’re smart. One great way to earn my favor is to buy it. Yes, you’d be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.
Well at least we know your daughters get their natural whoring instincts from Dear Old Dad. The blow jobs from your secretary not enough anymore now you need plasma screens from your daughter's boyfriends? Cigars? Liquor? What the fuck kind of fundie are you pal? A the real one grow in Cuba, cigars not fundies. And exactly what do you boys do when you get all liquored up and smoke your cigars? Do you take your pants off, does your daughter come in the room? Pathetic.
8. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your butt. I’m not one of your thug buddies you can go down the gutter with. I want maturity when you are around my family.
Well I guess you have heard them all having been a dope dealer and all.
9. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it. You see, I’m looking for stability/reliability for my ladies, and keeping your word in the smallest matters tells me that you’re ahead of the pack and at least a consideration, in my mind, for our support.
Does I promise to beat the living shit out of her and while she's whimpering on the bathroom floor dry fuck her in the ass every night, promptly at 9 o'clock count as keeping my word? I'll let you listen on speaker phone because I promise to call you at 8:55 on the dot. Punctuality is for skinheads I'm more concerned with outcome like don't beat my daughter and fuck her in the ass until she bleeds and can;t shit in a bushel basket but it's okay if you are b15 minutes late to head out to a movie as long as you call first.
Finally . . .
10. Thou shall do these three things: 1) Look good. Do not come into my house with earrings, a grill, or over sized pants with your butt cleavage hanging out. 2) Read. If I have to talk to you, you had better know as much about as many things as possible. 3) Serve. I’m looking for a sacrificial dude who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty in helping around the house, in our community, in our nation and with our wonderful world. If you, young man, obey all the words written here, then and only then will you have a chance with my babies. Now, go get me a beer.
Oh so its slavery that you are after. I get it you want this kid to not have made the many mistakes that you have but you want him since he's better than you to serve you because you have the pussy that he wants in your house. Dude I'll just go up the street and date the liberal guys daughter he has better porn Cuban cigars and I don't have to kiss his ass or watch his buddies eye rape my girl friend.
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