SCORECARD! GETCHA WINGNUT SCORECARDS HERE! YOU CAN'T TELL ONE CRAZY CONSERVATIVE CHICK FROM ANOTHER WITH OUT SCORECARD!

[RETRACTION: I would like to apologize to Emily Zanotti for publishing that she departed her job at Thomas More Law Center because of a feud she was having with Debbie Schlussel this is not true in the main or in any inferred sense. All references to that matter will be removed by 12h 00m HST today. We hope that Ms Zanotti will accept our linking to her site in our Champagne Room as proper recompense for our grievous error.—Cavalor Epþiþ, Esquire, D.S.V.J., J.F., Editor-in-Chief, The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork on behalf of the full Editorial Board.]

© 2004 Jaye Schlesinger

Ser Kelso de Panama has taken up a hobby the examination of what makes the Wingnut™, a group better described as the closed minded conservative white American Christian and their minority active enablers, lickspittles and acolytes, and I would like to add a bit of information a primer if you will that will smooth the rock strewn and flood besieged path that he must travel to find bliss in this new endeavour. There are many flavors of Wingnuts™ but most of the main types, the angry white Middle Class male, the seeking justification white female and the intellectually confused brother with a high IQ are all well known. Within these groups there are branches of sub genii that must be explored to understand the psychology [psychosis?] of the Wingnut™.




There has to be mention made of the fifth columnists that assail wingnuttery from within on a regular basis. Chief among these is Ann Coulter who has convinced her audience of loyal and young book buyers and many producers of news shows that her right wing views have "traction" when she is nothing more than a woman seeking to maximize her bank account while minimizing the number of beads of perspiration she sheds due to hard work. It is the oldest scam in recorded human history and it is called tell the masses what they want to hear after they have paid you money to tell them what they want to hear. Coulter had voted for Democratic candidates in the past, has had sexual intercourse with males of her species in the past [and quite enjoyed it I am told] and does not regularly attend church service anywhere that this newspaper's research staff could find. Now Ann Coulter might be a Pastafarian nymphomaniac but she is not a conservative Christian wingnut. What she is once the veiled of partisan polarization is lifted from one's eyes is a brilliant writer of screed fiction and a whip smart promoter of her ability to feign shock and arrogance when she exposes herself to attack like a hooker in Hunt's Point displays a similar position for a john in a new model luxury automobile. For these reasons there will be no need to further discuss Ms Coulter.


This, however, does not mean that our dance card will go wanting. As a demon journalist and your humble servant I would not allow such a condition to remain so for very long. Let us stay with the softer and more analytical gender for a bit and examine what has puzzled the average human male for many a generation—the white female. Never in the history of Mankind has such a walking talking contradiction wrapped in enigmatic glitter carrying the latest bag from paradox lived in such a realm of white males created insecurity. If the Creator set aside experiments for which is white winged harp playing minion in Paradise could monitor with glee it would be the dolorous death and departing out of the bosoms of white girl their self esteem generally at an early age. It is hard to fathom when talking to the average conservative young white woman in America that there ever could have been a Boudicca, Jean d'Arc, Catherine the Great or an Abigail Adams. I mean this statement as no slight against the millions of women who consider themselves white and can make it through the day without some neurotic breakdown or feeling that they are defined by the eyes and penises of the men they encounter at the job or in school or on the train into town to do their shopping. It is no construct of their own that they would find in a delusional way of life like the FLDS compound Yearning for Zion a place that they belong because they are so certain that they are inferior and some 50 year old man with a 2 1/2 inch long penis who cannot engage in intercourse for longer than 100 seconds without ejaculating is their spiritual better and deserves to rut albeit briefly with their 15 year old daughter. Here is the heart of darkness a glimpse inside a state of mind so broken they are helpless having been the target of an evil that had been perpetrated by Christendom first for 2000 years and now by white male anti capitalists who want to assure that they too are not without their sexual cake and the ability to vomit it up and have it too—the desire to sexually and emotionally enslave the female of the species.


Among those who are not trapped on polygamy ranches or are not the 19 year old pin cushions for white supremacists at "breeding camps" are the tens of thousands of "stay at home moms" "home schooling moms" and "single moms who have found the Way" that blog regularly about their beliefs and how much politics and religion commingle to form the perfect soup that can cure "what's wrong with America." A classic example that came to my attention during the disinformation feeding frenzy about California homeschooling is Crimson wife of Bending the Twigs. She is a staunch defender of homeschooling and a proud catholic and I respect her right to her opinions. The reason I mention the descriptor and Crimson Wife is because she falls into a category of special interest Wingnuts™. For her the foaming begins when homeschooling is "threatened" anywhere on this side of Betelgeuse. Other's that belong to the white female hot button club would be Jill Stanek whose hot button is abortion. There is an elite level of this grouping that includes the likes of Laura Ingraham and Carol Platt Liebau Mary Katherine Ham Suzanne Fields, but they are well known and have two things the average Wingnut™ white doesn't and that is syndication and the power of self control.


This brings me to my next tier of women who are Wingnuts™ and they are the truly crazy Christian white women. Concerned Women for America [founded by Left Behind series author and multimillionaire Tim LaHaye's wife Beverley]is a marching cadre of this form of Wingnut™ who see everything that is eclectic, sensual, fun or cheeky as something to be put down or ended. From this frothy font all other white women who have an ax to grind in the name of the Almighty and to the detriment of your Constitutional rights come pouring forth in a smart looking skirt and blouse with a slimming jacket Bible in hand. I point to Oklahoma state representative and Christianist homophobe Sally Kerns and anti-Harry Potter activist Laura Mallory.

Of course there are also the "wanna be white girls." Into this group fall the tame La Sawn Barber, the lame Linda Chavez of the Pilgrim's Pride Board of Directors and the Insane Michelle Malkin of S CHIP family stalking fame. I don't think they really want to be white women not in a clinical burning desire to have surgery sense. They just want the wealth and privilege of white women and to be accorded the same respect. Hmmm, wait a minute I think they do it all for the money actually scratch that respect thing.

In any group there are going to be disagreements and more than once we have written here that no group is monolithic. Before I leave white women I would like to point out the feud between Debbie Schlussel who belongs to that upper tier single topic white woman blogger group and one Emily Zanotti who belongs to the single Catholic broad anti-Liberal group. Schlussel who is Jewish in the AIPAC and Hagee sense and Zanotti came to blog blows over some death threats and other threats sent to Schlussel by men she describes as MUSLIMS [of course] two years ago as the real bugiman of so called Islamofascism was starting to wear off and the stomach ache of the economic downturn was just a little minor roil. Zanotti made some comments in pure snark that enraged Schlussel whose temper and ability to threaten others especially other Wingnuts™ is legendary. It is my personal opinion that Ms Schlussel is on the wrong medication or too low a dose of the right medication because this newspaper has been flooded with information pointing to the feud and that most of it has been a bitter revenge stream against Zanotti by Schlussel. Of course the first thing our research staff took note of was that Zanotti has recently resigned from the Thomas More Law Center and noted that Schlussel somewhere took credit for getting Zanotti "fired." Schlussel doesn't stop there calling one of Hell's favorite Human Beings™ and all around great mom Jenny McCarthy a, and I quote, "a peroxide blonde with built in floatation devices." If you are Michigan and see a not so attractive lady sitting at the end of the bar in a hotel and she says, "Hey I'm Debbie Schlussel conservative pro Israel blogger," it would behoove you to drop a 20 on the counter and run for your life. But if you were a true American patriot and friend of the blogosphere you would invite MS Schlussel up to your room and fuck her senseless, after she disrobes willingly and offers her full consent, such that she would be less willing to spread her odious vomit and personal psychological problems with Muslim men all over the tubes of the Internet. Ms Schlussel if you fear Muslims are going to rape you [you cat your houseplants the keyholes of your automobile AND it's tailpipe] why the flying fuck, bones and entrails do you live within a half an hour drive of the largest concentration of them in the Western hemisphere? [Ed Note: Fred Schwartz will have a compare and contrast in his editorial later today—G.R.M.]



Now on to the men.

It pretty much works the same with male Wingnuts&trade you have a religion centered anti immigrant group who think all things "Liberal" are the shadow of Shai'tan itself. Mark Noonan at BlogsforVictory falls into this group. He's banned everyone from this flagship of journalistic excellence from making comments at his place but that is his right. This drawing many to chant in the streets around the Black Lady yesterday upon seeing the news in the electronic crawl, "Noonan is a papist asshat!" It seems the people have spoken.

The paid Wingnut™ white men like Hannity, Limbaugh, O'Reilly and North you know. Then there is what Fred Schwartz calls "brothers from another planet." Thomas Sowell and Armstrong Williams, two wildly intelligent black men come to mind here. It appears they have made their mark and are elevated to a status of acceptance in the elite circles of conservatism to the point that they have forgotten the millions who have perished and the millions more who were broken so they could sit at the same table of the descendants of those who once held whips over their backs. Note to all homo sapiens sapiens: Success is a great goal and intellect is to be desired but there is no reason why a man in the truly unique circumstance of black Americans cannot take stock of what it has taken for him to surmount all the obstacles and be seen in a measure of the light of the content of his character while much of the rest of his race is while Middle Class is vilified by the very people he supports.



Well that's a good start and I think I have stumped out the issue.


Qu'ul cuda praedex nihil!



Cavalor Epþiþ, Esquire, D.S.V.J., J.F.
Editor-in-Chief
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
45 Ashtaq 2 AS

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